What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

Auburn Hair

What do you think of when you hear of Auburn hair? Well, I know I think of a girl who was different then anyone else,a girl who was shunned from her family and town because they were so afraid of her powers. See, Anama was a medium and could see the dead as well as interact with them. She wasn't just a medium however, she was a full blooded wiccan. Her mother died giving birth to her and her mother was also a wiccan. Anama's mother had been hated by her mother, father, sister, and brother and only had herself. The father of the girl with Auburn hair had left her mother when he found out she was pregnant. So, Anama's grandmother barely took care of her until she was twelve. Her grandmother had hated her by then for just being born a full blooded wiccan but little did she know that not only was Anama wiccan, but she could also see the dead. Anama had realized that she had special powers when she was seven. At school she kept seeing this little boy and no one else did. The school sent her home claiming she was delirious and sick. Anama's grandmother broke her jaw and nose for making her drive up there. Meanwhile at school, all the kids stayed as far away from her as possible. No one wanted to hang out with the crazy wiccan girl. So by the time she was twelve her heart had grown cold but her soul remained hopeful that she would find someone to love and care for her the way her family and this town never did. Well, one day she decided that enough was enough. Anama was tired of being hated and thought of as a worthless piece of garbage. She would run away and find love in Carolina while her family and town stayed in Colorado.

It was three in the morning and Anama was sneaking out of the house.

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

Your idea is common, but interesting. It can work. However, you need some work on grammar - specifically passive tense, syntax and sentence structure. Your first sentence is an interesting way to start, but you drop off too quickly. Instead of the second sentence you have, I would rather see a very strong description of the witch. Your first sentence cries out to be followed by a strong physical description. Then lead us into the facts about her.

Next, I hate to say this, but Im not in love with her name. It sounds too much like enema. LOL.

Then, you need a stronger point of view. If you are going to tell the story in the first person, YOU have to fit into the story somehow. Are you her friend? Establish how you know this story. Nathaniel Hawthorne did this brilliantly in The Scarlet Letter. He added a first section about him working in the Customs House and finding this diary in the attic that told the story of Hester Prynne. Decide how you know the story if you are going to tell it with you as the narrator.

Then passive tense. Lets look at an example. "a girl who was shunned from her family..."

try it as "a girl shunned by her family"

See how you can simplify your sentences by taking out the passive and making the sentences stronger. Take out the "had been" and extra "that"'s.

Her is a really bad one. "Anama had realized that she had special powers when she was seven."

"Anama realized she had special powers when she was seven." Simpler - stronger. You should also learn to vary your sentence structure to make it more interesting.

"By the age of seven, Anama knew she had special powers" is an even better way to say that.

You need to read aloud more to yourself. Listen to what you are writing. Writing is talking on paper. Tell us the story in your own voice. Something tells me this is not the way you would tell this story if you were sitting next to me talking to me about it. I want to hear it that way - not the way you perceive a story should be written. YOUR voice- not someone else's.

Start over and edit yourself. Read it aloud to yourself and listen to how it sounds. Take out some of the repetetion. You dont need to tell us 15 times she is wiccan. There are other words you can use.

Also, do your research. Do not presume to understand what wiccan is - read about it. You have the internet there - use it. AN AUTHOR MUST BECOME AN EXPERT ABOUT THE SUBJECT THEY ARE WRITING ABOUT. I say that in caps because I cannot stress it enough. Do not cheat your readers by making it up. Your reader is trusting you to tell them a story - make sure it rings with honesty. Write about

what you know, know about what you write.

if you would like to, you can e mail me the rewrite and I will take another look. Good luck. Pax - C

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

I think you need to add more detail to the story...that sounds more like a story outline than a summary. I wrote a novel about a girl with supernatural powers, too, and sent it in to a top literary agent. He said he liked the idea, but rejected it, so I edited more and I'm going to send it out again soon.

The one thing he told me was:

"Show, don't tell, your story."

And, "Edit, edit, edit!"

The other thing that helped me is reading a lot of books, that taught me what works in stories and what doesn't.

Here's an example of a story I just started writing:

Samantha looked behind her. The dog was after her again. She thought she had lost him on Clover Street, but he was obviously a fast runner. Most dogs were, weren't they? What was he after? He might be hungry. Sammy's Uncle Aaron had a big dog, and he ate a lot. She tried to remember what he ate, but she couldn't. She didn't have any food on her.

Sammy never owned a dog before.

Think, Sammy, think, she told herself.

What would Kasey Ketchem, her favorite hero, do in a situation like this?

She looked ahead of her and gasped in excitement. She just had a brilliant idea. It had to work! It just had to.

--That's not the whole story, it's just an example.----------

Freckles, I like your second draft better....good job! You can be a writer if that's what you want to be.

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

Expand the first paragraph into two or more paragraphs, and read more stories along the lines of what your writing about, other than that its good..

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

It sounds like a summary. Add a lot more details. maybe some dialogue.

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

ahhhhhhh, my eyes are bleeding...jeezus christ...no offense but...get a better idea...and learn to write

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

Ok, I'm speaking from an outsider's perspective, but I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as a full-blooded Wiccan. It's not like being Jewish, where it's a religion and/or a race. I've only ever seen such a thing as Wiccan bloodlines in fiction, and I doubt it's true. If you're writing about Wicca, make sure you really do your research about what they believe and practice. Or you could ignore Wicca, and just make her simply have supernatural powers. That would be easier, and you wouldn't feel an obligation to follow the rules of the actual religion.

It's an interesting concept, but make sure that if you give Anama these kinds of powers, they actually have a point to the story and her character other than just making her shunned by society. When she's finding love, don't forget about how her powers affect her daily life.

Make her grandmother a bit more realisitic. If she hated Anama so badly, she would have put her up for adoption or something, right? She must love Anama on some level to give her food and a home for so many years. Maybe you could make her a very devout Christian, and think that witchcraft is evil, so even though she loves Anama, she hates that she wants to be Wiccan and thinks she's manipulated by the devil or something.

EDIT: Oh, and I'm assuming this is a summary. If it isn't, well, you should never give up the whole story in the beginning of a book. You don't need to tell people that Anama has these powers and beliefs and problems - show them through the story itself as you go along.

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

Very interesting story , but one question- have you researched Wicca at all? because you can't be born full blood Wiccan it is a religion or form of life. its not a race of people. You might also try taking a creative writing class to help with developing your writing skills and story plotting as well. Those classes always help you to get perspective on your writing style and research techniques.

Again I like the concept and idea but doing research on what Wicca is would help you alot in developing your story.

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

Full blooded Wiccan? One has to be raised as a Wiccan (or inducted into it) in order to be one. So if the girl's Grandmother hated her, why would she teach a religion that went against her principles. It would make more sense for the grandmother to raise her in an extremely Christian way (beatings for not saying the lords prayer right or wearing clothes that showed too much flesh) Or are you saying that the Grandmother was a Wiccan too? Now if the grandmother broke the jaw %26amp; nose why didn't the law step in? Unless you are setting this in the pre-1940s (when child abuse laws were a bit more lax. Also Wicca wasn't really around until Gardner created it in the 1950s. Neo-Paganism came even later.) the doctor/teacher/school nurse would have to contact social services %26amp; she would have been taken into foster care. Does the grandmother have influence in this town? I got the impression they were poor.

So at age 12 she decides to move to Carolina (N or S) to look for love. How can a 12 yr old girl survive? Is she going to rob her family blind? Why not wait until she is 16?

There are a lot of plot holes here.

Do some research and try again.

What do you think of my story? Is it ok?

You need to put a lot more serious thought into that story.Where is the plot? There needs to be more to interest a reader than the poor picked on girl.There needs to be a mystery surrounding her, and there needs to be hurdles for her to overcome.Try starting out,with her climbing out her window.Her auburn hair fiery in the moonlight. A descrption of the day,showing how her life really is...Then,let her run away ,putting her past behind her,for now...Let the details of her past slowly trickle into the story over the first few chapters.