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It is 23 pages so you may just wanna skip around. Keep in mind, I am 12 years old, and it is written for kids my age. Rate it on a scale from 0 (awful) and 10 (amazing!!). Don't hold back.

Chapter 1

This is a story about me. My name is Mackenzie, and I鈥檓 thirteen years old. I look pretty ordinary. I have blonde hair and icy blue eyes. Each eye has a light grey ring around its pupil. I live with my grandma, who is sixty-eight years old. Despite her age, she is in very good shape, and I know she鈥檚 going to live for a long time. My mom鈥檚 grandma had just died, and they went all the way to Washington to bury her. They are going to be gone a while.

Today was finally Friday. I just woke up and I already couldn鈥檛 wait until the end of the day. Most people wake up saying 鈥淚t鈥檚 a brand new day!鈥?I wake up and say 鈥淚s it morning already?鈥?Some things about me are not compatible. Here鈥檚 one thing: I hate mornings, but I can鈥檛 sleep in. To me it鈥檚 just impossible! I wake up at 7 or 8a.m. and I can鈥檛 ever get back to sleep.

I pulled myself out of bed and began to get ready. I ran a brush through my hair, and it fell down on my shoulders like silk. I smiled at myself. Good hair day. I kicked off my pajama pants, and pulled on my jeans. I took off my blue shirt, the one with a big snowflake on it, and then changed my shirt several times until I had just the right one. I slipped on each tennis shoe then, realizing I had my left foot in my right shoe and vise-versa, I kicked then off and put each of my feet in its proper shoe. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked better than usual, yet the same. I guess Fridays make everything look better. I ran down the stairs, and fell down most of them.

鈥淏ye grandma!鈥?I nearly screamed it at her as I tried to catch the bus. I put a piece of bacon in my mouth and ripped a pancake in half. I folded the pancake and put it in my mouth and swallowed. I grabbed my books and ran out the door just as the bus pulled up. I let out a sigh of relief as I stepped onto the bus. I looked toward the third row where Sydney always sat waiting for me.

鈥淢ackenzie! Over here! Over here!鈥?I walked over and sat next to her.

鈥淟ook at my feet!鈥?I looked there a moment. She didn鈥檛 wait for me to answer, and I was glad she didn鈥檛 because I had no idea what she was talking about.

鈥淚 got new shoes!鈥?She squealed in my ear. I looked again. They were different shoes, but they were far from new. The material was faded, and the little plastic jewels were falling off. The laces were a dingy brown and they were worn thin, and looked as if they would snap any second. I didn鈥檛 want to hurt her feelings, so I replied,

鈥淭hat鈥檚 really neat, Sydney!鈥?I tried to sound excited. My voice came out in a fake tone, almost like a commercial, but Sydney was too excited to notice. She pointed her toes and kicked them back and forth excitedly. The bus finally came to a stop that jerked us all forward. Sydney was first off the bus. She walked slowly to class, looking at her feet all the while. I had to occasionally move her out of the way of other students and grumpy teachers and parents who mumbled curse words under their breath if little ten-year-old Sydney accidentally ran into them. We walked up the stairs, and Sydney tripped on every one. Sydney is like my sister, but not by blood.

鈥淎ren鈥檛 they great?鈥?She asked as if it wasn鈥檛 a question, and she believed with all her heart I would say yes. Sydney鈥檚 family is poor. That鈥檚 why her shoes aren鈥檛 new, but she is always excited to have something that is new to her. She doesn鈥檛 get many things because of their financial problems. I told her good bye as we came to her classroom.

鈥淢eet me by the bench under the oak tree.鈥?I told her.

鈥淭he bench on the playground?鈥?She asked. I nodded my head up and down. You see, every Friday Sydney comes over to my house after school. We never have to ask her mom, because we know her mom doesn鈥檛 mind. To tell you the sad truth, I don鈥檛 even think she cares about Sydney or her brothers. I鈥檝e never said anything about it to Sydney, but I know she knows it. Sometimes I wonder how she can be happy. I waved one last goodbye to her, than turned to go so I wouldn鈥檛 be late for class. Friday seems to be the longest day of the week! But finally, the bell rang for dismissal. I found Sydney just where I had told her to go and she waited impatiently.

鈥淜enzie!鈥?She screamed across the field. Sometimes when Sydney gets excited, she calls me Kenzie. It鈥檚 like she鈥檚 so excited she can鈥檛 even get the first part of my name out in time to say my full name. I took her hand and she nearly pulled my arm out of socket as we skipped to the bus.

鈥淲hat do you want to do today?鈥?She asked me.

鈥淲ell, yesterday, I saw this show about extreme makeovers and鈥︹€?

鈥淐an we do one of those?鈥?she interrupted. I had been getting there, but I let her think it was her idea.

鈥淪ure. I鈥檒l do you, ok?鈥?Sydney jerked her head up and down, and I thought she鈥檇 nod it right off her shoulders.

鈥淣ope. Nope. Nope. Nope.鈥?Sydney said to all the houses that weren鈥檛 mine.

鈥淣ope. Nope. Nope. There! There! I see it!鈥?Sydney got up as soon as the bus stopped. She ran to the front of the bus, and jumped all the stairs. I reached into my pocket and fumbled with the house key. Sydney bit her bottom lip excitedly. She had been over a billion times, but to her it was still a treat. I finally got the key out, and unlocked the door. Sydney looked around as if she鈥檇 never been here. We walked to the kitchen first to rinse her hair in the big sink. It was shiny clean because I had told my grandma my plans with Sydney. She leaned back, and I sprayed her hair with warm water from the sprayer by the sink. Our laughter filled the kitchen. When her hair had been washed with my special conditioner, I wrapped her hair in a towel, and we headed to my room. I took the towel off and her head, and her hair laid on top off her head in a big knot.

鈥淚 think we鈥檙e done.鈥?I joked, and she laughed. I sat criss-crossed behind her on the bed, and ran a comb through her hair. The comb ran through easily. I parted her hair straight down the middle. It was perfectly straight. I could never seem to do that with my hair. I ran my fingers through her hair. It was a rich chocolate color that made her green eyes all the more brighter. Sydney shivered. Her clothes were wet. I walked into my closet and pulled out a box on the top shelf. It was a box of clothes that didn鈥檛 fit, but I refused to give up. I picked up a beautiful dress. It was a soft shade of pink. I pulled it out. Sydney鈥檚 eyes widened.

鈥淲ow!鈥?And 鈥榳ow鈥?it was. It was gorgeous! It had thin straps, and the skirt of the dress spread out all around you if you spun around. We blow dried Sydney鈥檚 hair so the dress wouldn鈥檛 get wet. I curled it, and put a small pink flower behind her ear to match the dress. She slipped the dress on, and some pink ballet slippers that I had had since I was about seven, but they fit her little feet. I stood back to examine my results. She was beautiful! She looked like a princess right out of a storybook. We finally finished at 7:00. Even though it was early, all the excitement wiped us both out. We turned a movie on. About thirty minutes into the movie the silence was getting on my nerves.

鈥淪o how鈥檚 school?鈥?I asked. No answer. I looked down at the sleeping figure on the floor. I picked her up. I felt her ribs through her dress. Poor Sydney. She鈥檚 been through so much, and she came out with nothing. I laid her on the bed. She looked like sleeping beauty. I kissed her on her forehead. I got in bed behind her, and pulled the blanket up to our chins. Sydney rubbed her cheek against the soft material. I did too. I sat there and looked up ay my ceiling. Great, more silence. I finally fell into a peaceful slumber.

When I finally awoke, Sydney was not there. I sat up and looked around. I saw Sydney sitting by the window, with the sun shining on her face. The tune on the DVD鈥檚 menu played again and again. I turned it off, and Sydney jerked her head around. The sun shined all around her, and she looked like an angel from heaven. She smiled. Sydney had a smile that lit up the night sky. It was breath taking. Her teeth were white, and all straight in a row. She did not have two huge front teeth like the other kids in her class.

鈥淲hat do you wanna do today?鈥?she asked me. I knew what she wanted to do. So we went downstairs to watch Saturday cartoons. Sydney doesn鈥檛 have cartoons because she doesn鈥檛 have a TV. She laughed at everything. I鈥檓 not sure most the things she laughed at were even supposed to funny. After the cartoons were over, she begged to watch the re-runs, and I couldn鈥檛 bring myself to say no. Finally they ended. Sydney walked outside to the trampoline. My heart dropped. I decided to go first. I just ran around in circles.

Sydney and I are complete opposites. She loves life and lives it to the fullest, and I am scared of it and always have been. On rainy days, I avoid all puddles because I always suspect they are deeper than they appear. Sydney jumps and splashes in every single one.

Before I knew it, it was Sydney鈥檚 turn. She stood at one end and began to jump, higher and higher and did a back flip. She landed on her knees sending her into a front flip. After she was done I noticed I had my hand over my mouth in nervousness. I hated watching her flip around like a rag doll that could fall apart at any moment. She flipped backwards again. It took me a while to realize I wasn鈥檛 breathing. I let out a breath. She climbed off the trampoline. I looked at her. Her eyes were hollow, and she was pale all over. The skin underneath her nails was purple. I could see her heart thumping hard through her dress. I saw her rib cage grow and shrink with every breath. I swallowed hard as poor Sydney gasped for air.

鈥淚鈥檓 bored of this. Let鈥檚 go inside.鈥?I lied. I did like jumping, but I was scared for her. She had something wrong with her heart. I don鈥檛 know much about it, all I know is it didn鈥檛 function properly. I asked her about it once, and she simply replied,

鈥淲hat do you mean? There鈥檚 nothing wrong?鈥?But I could tell she knew exactly what I was talking about. I took her hand. It was freezing, colder than ice. We made our way back up to my room. Each step was laborious for Sydney, but I didn鈥檛 help her. She was a very stubborn, strong minded, independent girl. She took a step and collapsed into my arms. She rested there, in my arms, for a few moments, and then made the next step. I felt so helpless. When we made it back to my room, she lay on my bed and her eyelids fell heavily over her eyes. She was falling asleep. Whenever Sydney gets excited, her heart beats faster than it鈥檚 supposed to, and by the time she calms down, she is exhausted. Despite all this, Sydney lives life as if her heart problem doesn鈥檛 even exist. I sometimes feel bad I have a good heart, and Sydney doesn鈥檛. Inside, I know Sydney thinks I鈥檓 throwing that away by not living life to the fullest, and I know that it is true. I looked down at her. Her cheeks were rosy, and she was no longer pale. My fingertips outlined her jawbone. Her face was still cold. I pulled the blanket up closer around her chin. She snuggled down into its warmth. She smiled and looked up at me. Her eyes were no longer hollow holes, but were now shimmering, full of life and adventure as they always were. I walked downstairs to grab a bite to eat. I had skipped breakfast. I grabbed a cookie. A very healthy breakfast. When I came back, Sydney was asleep, and her face looked troubled. She groaned and whined in her sleep. I took her hand. She opened her eyes. They reflected the fear that Sydney felt inside, but tried so hard to hide from the world.

鈥淎re you ok?鈥?I asked.

鈥淵eah.... I鈥檓 o.k.鈥?She replied. Her voice shook with emotion, and her facial expressions told me otherwise. Her eyes were red and puffy, and filled with tears, but she did not let them fall. The only time I had seen her cry was five years ago on the bus, the first time we met. Her father had left, and they didn鈥檛 know where. There were no reports of anyone seeing him anywhere. That鈥檚 why they had financial problems. Just then my grandma walked in.

鈥淵ou ready to go home?鈥?She asked Sydney. Sydney nodded her head, but I could tell she was somewhere else. In another place, another time, another moment. She followed us robotically in the car. The car ride was a long one, and Sydney didn鈥檛 say a word the whole way there.

鈥榃hat did she see in the dream?鈥?I wondered. We pulled up to a building that could hardly be called a house. Her mom was outside folding laundry. There wasn鈥檛 much. We let Sydney out of the car. Her mom looked confused. She hadn鈥檛 noticed Sydney had left in the first place. I felt bad for her. I wish we could take her away and never bring her back.

鈥淭hank you.鈥?Was all her mom said, and you could tell she didn鈥檛 mean it. My fists clenched and I could hear my teeth grinding. I could tell grandma was upset too. Sydney, still deep in thought, walked inside. I looked in after her. She began to help with the dishes. CRASH! A dish was shattered on the floor.

鈥淪tupid, good for nothing, child!鈥?Her mom screamed and raised her hand. Grandma reached out and grabbed the lady鈥檚 wrist. The lady turned and met Grandma鈥檚 gaze. The look on her face was angry, but turned to one of fear as she looked into my grandma鈥檚 eyes. I knew that look. I had received it many times, but this one seemed even worse. I stroked my hand down Grandma鈥檚 arm. I didn鈥檛 want her to do anything she鈥檇 regret. She released her hand. There was a white mark in the shape of Grandma鈥檚 hand, which turned red in a few seconds.

鈥淚f you touch that child, I swear, I鈥檒l be back, and I鈥檒l make sure you won鈥檛 be. And that is a promise.鈥?My grandma said through clenched teeth. I knew she meant it too. My heart thumped.

鈥淕et in the car.鈥?She told me, and I obeyed immediately. Grandma walked to the car, stomping each foot with every step. She slammed the door shut. I waited until she cooled down then I asked,

鈥淲hy didn鈥檛 we take her home?鈥?Grandma sighed.

鈥淗oney, I wish we could have. Women like that don鈥檛 deserve kids like Sydney. But it ain鈥檛 legal.鈥?I sighed a sigh of disappointment.

鈥淏ut Honey, if I could have, believe me, I would have snatched her up and made her my own.鈥?She smiled.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 a promise.鈥?And I believed her.

Chapter 2

I woke up the next day remembering it all as a dream, but knowing it wasn鈥檛. Sunday was long and boring. I decided to go visit the creek outside the woods. I was surprised to find Sydney there. There was a small multitude of blankets in a pile, which I guessed to be a bed. I guessed she had walked here after the fight, and slept here as well. But then again, I guess a lot.

鈥淗i.鈥?She said. But her face did not glow with the glow I knew Sydney had.

鈥淵ou ok?鈥?I asked. She did a cartwheel. I knew she wasn鈥檛 listening to me. She did several in a row. I bit my lip, trying my best not to say anything. Her face was starting to look pale already. I sat there a moment. She did it again and again until she was gasping for air, and unable to hold herself up in the cartwheel. But she continued, again and again.

鈥淪top that.鈥?I told her finally.

鈥淲hy?鈥?She asked panting. It seemed as if just saying that one word took a lot of effort. She did another.

鈥淪top! Your gonna hurt yourself!鈥?She stood up, offended.

鈥淚鈥檓.... just鈥ine鈥hank鈥ou!鈥?She said. She looked like was going to pass out, but she did another.

鈥淵ou鈥檙e not fine!鈥?She stopped for a few minutes, until she caught her breath.

鈥淟ook! It鈥檚 none of your business what I do! I鈥檓 fine! There鈥檚 nothing wrong with me! I鈥檓 fine!鈥?She screamed angrily. She started off for the forest. I tried to grab her, but she pushed me away and began to run. She disappeared into the forest. I stopped at the edge. It was the borderline between here and the forest. I ran in after her.

鈥淪ydney! Sydney! Where are you?! Sydney!鈥?I screamed. I saw her crouched down by a strange plant. It was beautiful. We forgot about everything. We even forgot we had been fighting.

鈥淲hat is it?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚鈥 don鈥檛 know.鈥?She said, intrigued. I took a step towards it. CRUNCH! I looked down. The forest was full of life and trees and plants, but in this particular spot, everything was dead. Nothing surrounded this plant.

鈥淪ydney?鈥?I asked.

鈥淪hh!鈥?she told me. She reached out a small finger.

鈥淪ydney don鈥檛!鈥?She looked at me. A mischievous smile came over her face. She reached out her little finger and touched it. Something shot out of it. The plant withered away. I looked at Sydney. A needle penetrated through her throat. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she fell to the floor of the forest.

鈥淪ydney!鈥?I put her head in my lap.

鈥淪ydney! Wake up!鈥?Her heart began to beat and her body shook in rhythm with her thumping heart. Her nails dug into the soft earth, and her face cringed with pain, and all the veins inside her glowed. The toes on her feet curled and she locked her knees. Her mouth opened, and she foamed.

鈥淜enzie.鈥?She said it so softly, I wasn鈥檛 sure if maybe I had imagined it. But there was pain hidden in her voice. Her eyes opened. She looked past me, at nothing. I could hear her heart beating. Her throat began to swell, and it squeaked when she breathed in. She was suffocating! Black began to swallow up her bright green eyes, until her whole eye was black. Her whole body shook.

鈥淪ydney! Don鈥檛 leave me. Please stay with me. You鈥檙e my little sister, and I love you. Snap out of it. I know you can!鈥?She growled and hissed and she jerked her head around, like she was possessed.

鈥淪ydney? Sydney? Stay with me. I love you Sydney!鈥?There was a loud ear-piercing scream. Sydney鈥檚 body jerked. Something like a blur left her and I saw it fly deep into the forest. The trees seemed to part as is passed. Sydney sat up, vomiting and whimpering. Her body was still shaking. The wind blew cold like that of winter. Sydney鈥檚 lips looked like scales, and she was paler than I have ever seen her before. Her lips were blue, and she was fighting to keep her eyes open.

鈥淒on鈥檛 close your eyes!鈥?I told her. I was afraid if she closed them, she would not open them again.

鈥淢y eyelids are so heavy. They won鈥檛 stay open.鈥?She whispered.

鈥淟et鈥檚 go. I don鈥檛 like this place.鈥?She coughed. I picked her up, and carried her out of there as fast as I could. Her body flapped lifelessly in my arms. Tears were running down my face and the same thing went through my head again and again. 鈥楧on鈥檛 die Sydney, don鈥檛 die!鈥?I breathed deeply and the cold pierced my lungs like a thousand needles. 鈥楧on鈥檛 die!鈥?My throat went numb. My legs burned, but I wouldn鈥檛 stop running. So I ran, faster and faster. The woods like a maze, and I can鈥檛 find my way out. But I keep running, not thinking, not knowing, not caring. I looked left and right confused. The forest is tricking me, and I could almost hear the trees laughing at me. I ran in one direction. I couldn鈥檛 find my way out, and the forest wouldn鈥檛 let me out. Everything looks the same in every direction. I looked down at Sydney. I hardly recognized her. Her face was so pale, and her skin is almost transparent. But there was no way out. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, with no one to help. I was cold, and Sydney felt cold in my arms. I pulled her closer. I fell to my knees. She was getting heavier and heavier and I couldn鈥檛 hold her. A lump formed in my throat. I could do nothing, and I hated myself for it.

鈥淪ydney?鈥?There was no answer.

鈥淥h, Sydney. I鈥檓 so sorry. I鈥檓 so sorry.鈥?Her hand touched my face.

鈥淚t鈥檚 not your fault.鈥?She whispered. She lay there a moment, and slowly sat up. Color began to return to her face. The wind was no longer blowing, and as I looked around, everything was clear, but it was a long way back. She insisted on walking. She was the stubborn young girl I knew, and I smiled. We walked for a long time, and Sydney touched everything excitedly. We stopped at the creek, the one inside the forest, to soak our feet in its warm water.

鈥淪ydney? I know you don鈥檛 wanna tell me, but please. What did you see in your dream?鈥?Sydney let out a sigh.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know. It was鈥 mean鈥 think it was my dad. He was calling me. He told me to get up and go. Something or someone is calling me. Away from here, away from you. I don鈥檛 wanna go, but something inside keeps telling me to.鈥?Sydney鈥檚 voice began to shake. I held her close, but she refused to cry. She just breathed heavily.

鈥淟et鈥檚 go.鈥?She told me, and walked away. We neared the spot where the mysterious plant once was, but now lay withered. As we passed, Sydney grabbed her head and screamed.

鈥淜enzie! My head! Kenzie help! He鈥檚 calling me again! It鈥檚 calling me! She鈥檚 calling me!鈥?I didn鈥檛 know what to do. What did Sydney mean by 鈥榮he鈥? But it was no time to think about that. She buried her face in her hands. She did not look at me. She breathed awkwardly.

鈥淪ydney?鈥?Pause.

鈥淪ydney, are you ok?鈥?She turned. Her eyes were black as night. The wind blew cold again. She laughed an evil laugh that wasn鈥檛 hers. She ran towards me, I took a few steps back and tripped. She leaned over me, breathing heavily. She drew closer, and closer, and closer until she was three inches from my face. She stopped, and stood upright. Her face turned westward. She ran with a speed that was un-human. I was scared, but I ran after her anyway. That was my sister. I ran faster and faster. I heard a noise behind me. I turned around, still running. Nothing was there. I heard it in front of me I turned. I branch hit me in the head. I fell over backwards. The world was different colors. It all began to fade into to darkness.

鈥淪ydney! Sydney!鈥?I couldn鈥檛 scream. My body wouldn鈥檛 do what I wanted it to. I felt like I was dying. I lay there, unconscious, unknowing of the dangers around me.

* * * * * *

I felt strange, as if waking from a dream. I rubbed my eyes, and everything was blurry. I felt a big knot on my head. My head was throbbing like crazy. I tried to sit up, but slowly laid back down. The sun was blinding my eyes. I groaned and sat up as my head flopped about. I sat there a moment out of breath. I looked around. I felt watched. I noticed I wasn鈥檛 where I thought I was. There were weeping willows instead of pines, and there was hot sand all around me. The view was amazing, not like the forest I knew.

鈥淲here am I?鈥?I asked myself. My voice sounded funny in the silence of the trees.

鈥淵ou鈥檙e in Bethsaidia.鈥?A deep voice told me. The voice was unfamiliar. I jerked my head around, and jumped to my feet, surprised and afraid. There was a tall man standing over me. His skin was tan and his eyes were a dark shade of brown. He had dark hair. I looked at him. He had horse ears, and a horse鈥檚 body from his waist down.

鈥淎hhhh!鈥?I screamed, and it echoed. He covered my mouth with his hand, and he almost pushed me over in the process.

鈥淪hh! They鈥檙e going to hear us! Don鈥檛 make a sound!鈥?He told me in a stern voice. He looked around, then nodded as if he was sure all was well. He removed his hand and I didn鈥檛 dare scream.

鈥淲ho are you?鈥?I asked finally.

鈥淚 am Custos, your guardian.鈥?He stood up, tall and proud.

鈥淚鈥檓 Mackenzie.鈥?I told him, not really noticing I had said it. I was still looking at how he鈥ormed together. Beneath his waist, the horse was white as snow.

鈥淪o, are there more of you? Like, more fantasy creatures?鈥?I asked. He stomped a hoof and yelled angrily.

鈥淲e are not fantasy! You humans are just so closed minded. Boy, have you changed!鈥?

鈥淐hanged?鈥?I asked confused. He turned to me, but his eyes did not look at me. He looked as if he was visiting a memory.

鈥淢any years ago, man and creature could speak to each other. We got along. Then man one day decided they were better than us. We separated ourselves from them. That鈥檚 why we are from other worlds. Slowly over the years, man has forgotten us. You rot your minds with junk, and you forget. We started our own world, where we could live without conflict. This is where it all happened.鈥?He nodded his head up and down, thinking.

鈥淥k, and what exactly happened here?鈥?I asked, still confused.

鈥淭he beginning of Bethsaidia. In the Garden of Alkera.鈥?He said. A peace came over his voice.

鈥淎lkera?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚t鈥檚 the ancient language of the Bethsaidians. It is spoken by very few people. Alkera means separated.鈥?He looked around. The wind blew gently against my cheek.

鈥淗ere I come.鈥?It was quiet, as if whispered by the wind.

鈥淲hat?鈥?I asked myself.

鈥淚s something wrong?鈥?He asked.

鈥淒idn鈥檛 you hear that?鈥?

鈥淲hat?鈥?I heard it again. I looked up at him.

鈥淪omeone鈥檚 coming.鈥?He jerked his head around as if looking.

鈥淲here did you hear that?鈥?He asked.

鈥淗ere. Just now. Like, five seconds ago! Why? Who鈥檚 coming?鈥?He looked all around him.

鈥淭hey know you鈥檙e here.鈥?

鈥淲ho?鈥?I asked frantically.

鈥淲e can鈥檛 talk here. Get on!鈥?I watched as all four legs bent down to my level, and I awkwardly got on. He lunged forward, and I nearly fell off. I leaned against his back. His body was warm and I felt his muscles flex and relax below me. He ran very fast. The wind stung my eyes, and tears ran down my cheeks, but I didn鈥檛 dare let go to wipe them away. Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! All four hooves sang together in rhythm to each other and the world around me. His mane tickling my cheek as his tail whipped behind us. The wind blew through my hair. A fuzzy sound was being whispered in my ears, but became clearer until I heard it crystal clear.

鈥淚鈥檓 still coming. I鈥檓 still coming.鈥?I clung tighter. I was so scared. It took me a while to realize we had stopped.

鈥淢ackenzie? Are you ok?鈥?he asked me.

鈥淲hat do you mean? Nothing鈥檚 wrong.鈥?I lied.

鈥淵ou鈥檙e scared.鈥?It took me by surprise.

鈥淗ow did you know?鈥?I asked, curiously.

鈥淚 felt it. Here in Bethsaidia, if you come in contact with someone, and the feeling is strong enough, you feel it as if it was your own.鈥?I leaned in close to him. I felt nothing.

鈥淲hy can鈥檛 I feel your feelings?鈥?I asked.

鈥淵ou haven鈥檛 been here long enough.鈥?He told me. I felt a strange feeling of jealousy, and I climbed off before he could sense it. I looked around. It was no longer a beautiful forest with warm sand. It was cold with snow all around. The tip of my nose was numb, and I breathed hot air into my hands to make them warmer.

鈥淲hy is it so cold?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚t is winter here. Here in Bethsaidia, it depends on where you are. Different places have different seasons. Doesn鈥檛 it work that way on Earth?鈥?He asked. I felt a sense of pride. I knew something he didn鈥檛. Even if it wasn鈥檛 his fault I couldn鈥檛 help but smile.

鈥淣o. On Earth, you can鈥檛 just run somewhere. It depends on where the sun shines. It shines in different places at different times of the year. On Earth a year is 365 days.鈥?I told him. I threw in that last part so I could sound super smart.

鈥淔unny. Here in Bethsaidia, a year is 122 days. What a difference. That means if you were here for one year, you鈥檇 have been gone for a few days on Earth.鈥?My eyes widened and my jaw dropped.

鈥淗ow did you figure that out in you head? I can鈥檛 even figure it out on paper.鈥?I told him.

鈥淲e here are born smart. Humans used to be, but you are now filled with all kinds of junk that has made you鈥? not as smart as before.鈥?He told me. I stomped my foot. I wanted to punch him, but I couldn鈥檛 even reach his face!

鈥淚鈥檒l have you know I have an A-B average鈥nd a C in math.鈥?I said the last part quietly, hoping he wouldn鈥檛 hear, but he couldn鈥檛 say I never told him. It had only been maybe a few short minutes, and I already felt safe with him. There was a howl in the distance. It sounded far away. He made a clicking sound with his tongue and some kind of strange gargling sound in his throat. It echoed, then was answered by a howl.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 how we communicate. So the others don鈥檛 know.鈥?He told me.

鈥淥thers?鈥?I asked.

鈥淭he evil ones. They haven鈥檛 forgiven humans for what they did in the past. They swore an oath that if there were another human, they would kill them once all is fulfilled. That鈥檚 why it is bad that they know you are here. They want to kill you.鈥?I didn鈥檛 have to ask. I knew that鈥檚 who was whispering to me. And the whole 鈥榦nce all is fulfilled鈥?thing, I was positive I didn鈥檛 want to know. I climbed back on, and was happy to lay against the warmth of his fur. He walked at a slow, steady pace. I closed my eyes and just listened. The sound of his walk changed. I opened my eyes. We were on the ice. I tensed up.

鈥淚t鈥檚 ok.鈥?He told me. I didn鈥檛 believe him. I looked across. This lake was a wide one. A loud booming sound was under us.

鈥淐aedo.鈥?I didn鈥檛 need to feel his feelings to know he was just as scared as me.

鈥淐aedo means 鈥榠t kills鈥?and it does.鈥?His body shook under me. The booming continued until鈥rack! The ice behind us began to slit in two. Custos ran. The ice cracking at his heels as water burst through the surface. I felt him breathing. The ice broke in front of us. He stopped suddenly, and I flew off into the ice-cold water. Things like leaches dug their teeth into every part of my body, creating sores as big as quarters. They began to suck my blood, and I felt my energy drain. I could see Custos getting smaller as I sank deeper and deeper. The leach-like creatures swam away, and two huge, golden eyes looked straight at me. I looked at its eyes, intrigued. I didn鈥檛 notice the creature getting closer, and closer, or that its tentacles were going up my legs, my ribs, my arms, my neck, until it tightened its grip on my neck, and I couldn鈥檛 breathe. I didn鈥檛 struggle, and I didn鈥檛 look away. Suddenly, an arrow shot through the water, and struck it in the eye. It let out an ear-piecing scream that literally left my ears ringing. I realized I couldn鈥檛 breath. The pressure of the water was all around me, constricting me. I thrashed out violently. I let all my air out and watched it float away. Someone or something grabbed me and pulled me through the surface. I took in a deep breath of air. It stung. My lungs were full of the sea. I coughed and water gushed out. I rubbed my eyes, and pushed my hair out of my face. I looked up at my rescuer. She smiled at me. She was a mermaid. Her skin was a soft blue, and her hair was teal with lime green streaks. She had blue eyes, like my mine. Her hand was on mine. I looked at it. Her nails were long and there was a thin layer of skin between her fingers. She had seaweed wrapped around her middle to use as a shirt. She also had a tail. It had green scales all over. She had on a necklace. It was a coin with a picture engraved in it. The picture was of a young girl. The girl鈥檚 face was smudged from time.

鈥淗ello?鈥?I looked up. It looked like she had asked me a question.

鈥淪orry, what?鈥?I asked.

鈥淎re you all right?鈥?She asked.

鈥淓verything hurts.鈥?I wined.

鈥淚 bet! You got attacked by cruors. They are blood suckers. They burrow into your skin and eat you from the inside out. There were a lot too. It鈥檚 a surprise you lived. You are a very strong girl.鈥?She said. I couldn鈥檛 help feeling flattered. I looked at my arm. There were sores all up and down my arms. She ran her hand down her tail. There was slime all over her hand.

鈥淗old still.鈥?She told me. I didn鈥檛 even want to know what she was going to do. She rubbed it all over my body. The skin began to grow over my sores, until there was no sign I had even had sores.

鈥淲ow. How鈥檇 you do that?鈥?I asked.

鈥淰igoratus.鈥?She said, showing it to me.

鈥淰igoratus?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚t can only be found in the water. Over time it gathers on things. It heals sores of all kind.鈥?

鈥淪o, it gathers on your tail?鈥?I asked.

鈥淵eah.鈥?She said.

鈥淒o you wanna touch it?鈥?she asked.

鈥淪ure.鈥?I said. I reached over and touched it. I looked at my hand. It was all gooey. I wiped it on my jeans. I shivered. I felt an ice-cold hand on my shoulder. I turned. It was Custos.

鈥淚鈥鈥?are you ok?鈥?he asked.

鈥淚鈥檓 fine. This is鈥︹€?I realized I didn鈥檛 know her name.

鈥淢y name is Alga.鈥?She said.

鈥淢y parent鈥檚 are old fashioned. It means seaweed.鈥?From the look on her face I guessed that wasn鈥檛 a bad thing鈥omehow.

鈥淲e have to go.鈥?I stood up.

鈥淲ait.鈥?She grabbed my hand. I knelt next to her.

鈥淗ere.鈥?She took the necklace off her neck and put it around mine.

鈥淕ood luck.鈥?She whispered.

鈥淭hanks. For everything.鈥?I told her. My hand was still in hers. She looked at my palm. She laid her hand flat against mine and closed her eyes. She sat there a moment.

鈥淵ou are a very brave girl. And powerful.鈥?

鈥淧owerful? What power.鈥?I asked.

鈥淭he power is inside you. You just have to dig deep. You鈥檒l find it. You鈥檒l find it.鈥?I thought about it. Power? Bravery? Yeah right.

鈥淵ou don鈥檛 believe me?鈥?I didn鈥檛 look into her eyes. She laughed.

鈥淵ou鈥檒l see.鈥?I took my hand away. I walked next to Custos. I felt small next to him.

鈥淟ook. I鈥檓 sorry. It鈥檚 just鈥?water and I鈥?.鈥?He didn鈥檛 have to finish. I knew what he meant. I climbed on his back. I remembered the necklace Alga had given me. I looked at it. It was of a girl in a dress with a staff. She was standing on a cliff looking over the land. I couldn鈥檛 see her face. I figured she was a legend in Bethsaidia.

鈥淐ustos? What was Alga doing with my hand? She wasn鈥檛 feeling what I was feeling, because I don鈥檛 feel brave.鈥?I told him.

鈥淢ermaids are different. They鈥檝e been around the longest. They can feel what鈥檚 deep inside you. They can feel even what you can鈥檛.鈥?I nodded my head, even though I still didn鈥檛 understand. I shivered, and laid against his warm back. I hope we鈥檙e going somewhere warm.

Chapter 3

Aw! The sun was coming out, and it felt good. It burned on my back. Custos finally stopped, and I climbed off. 鈥淲hat place is this?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚t鈥檚 been changed over the years many times, and I鈥檓 not sure if anyone knows what it is called today. But it has always been 鈥楨ubak鈥?to me.鈥?He smiled.

鈥淓ubak?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚t means 鈥榥ew life鈥? This is where I was born.鈥?He looked around. I smiled. It was beautiful here. There were trees that seemed to lean over to shade you and the ocean seemed to whisper every time the tide came up. I was born in a little white room with doctors everywhere. I wish I were born here though. It seemed perfect. I took off my shoes. My socks were still wet and cold and my toes felt funny when they rubbed against each other. I shoved my socks in my shoes. I stood just where the tide came up. It washed up over my toes. I rolled my jeans up, and walked in until it was up to my ankles. It felt good. The sun was hot, and beads of sweat were beginning to run down my face. I cupped my hand into the water and poured it on my head. I let it drip down my face, cooling me off with every drop. I looked over at Custos. He stood far away from the water. I wanted to know why.

鈥淐ustos? Why don鈥檛 you like the water?鈥?He didn鈥檛 answer. I wondered if maybe I shouldn鈥檛 have asked. But he finally began.

鈥淚t was a long time ago. My parents had to go away like the many others to war. They left my brother and I at home. Kenai, my brother, and I stood on the beach as we always did. We had no idea that the danger was coming here. A large eagle swooped down and carried my brother and me far from shore. Centaurs are not good swimmers. We are built for the land, not the sea. The eagle dropped us, and the water swallowed us up and constricted us. I found my way back to shore, and expected to find my brother already there waiting for me. I couldn鈥檛 see him. I waited. Hoping to see him, but I never did. His body washed up on shore the next day. I buried him, and fell asleep only a few yards away. But when I awoke later that night, his grave had been dug up, and I heard satisfied wolves howling happily in the distance as they ate their meal. I couldn鈥檛 sleep that night, but I must have dozed off a bit, because the next thing I knew, someone was waking me up to tell me my parents had died.鈥?br> After hearing about Kenai, I couldn鈥檛 help thinking about Rupie. I had gotten and named him when I was three, almost four. The lady we bought him from said he was very healthy, but everyone lies. Rupie had a tumor, and the doctor could not remove the whole tumor. I remember it was my eighth birthday, and my mom and dad told me this was Rupie鈥檚 last day with us. Rupie wasn鈥檛 strong enough to jump up on my bed, so he slept on the floor, and I curled up next to him. I watched him closely. He closed his eyes, and I waited. I was scared he had died, so I shook him awake. He licked my hand as if telling me everything was ok, even though it was not ok. He closed his eyes and I shook him awake. But his eyes did not open and he did not lick my hand. He just laid there, not breathing. I stroked him lightly, and tears filled my eyes.

We buried him in the backyard, and my mom handed me a small cardboard box. I opened it slowly, not really caring what was in it. But I was happy to see what was inside. It was a little silver bone with Rupie鈥檚 name engraved in it. It was off of his collar. I remember carrying it around in my pocket.

I wonder why I stopped carrying it around. I hadn鈥檛 thought about Rupie for a long time until now. I thought of the little silver bone at home in its box. I sat there on the beach and I cried for Rupie and myself and for Custos and Kenai. It was beautiful here, but I didn鈥檛 want to be here anymore.

I saw Custos hunched over where I guessed Kenai鈥檚 grave was鈥r where it should have been. I walked over and ran my hand down his shoulder. As soon as I touched him, I saw a vision. It was Kenai lying dead on the beach. I didn鈥檛 know how I knew it was Kenai, but there was no doubt in my mind that it was he. It was so sad, and I drew my hand away. Custos was staring down at me.

鈥淲hat did you see?鈥?He asked. I sat there speechless. There seemed to be a big ball in my throat blocking my air passage. I saw Kenai鈥檚 dead body on the beach, and it played again and again in my mind. Custos looked away. He knew what I had seen.

鈥淔ind a place to sleep. Make sure it is well protected. There鈥檚 no telling what lurks in these woods at such times.鈥?

鈥淪uch times?鈥?I asked. He didn鈥檛 answer, but I knew he had heard me. I found a small cliff like figure, and climbed up to explore. I found a dry, narrow tunnel that extended about six feet. I crawled inside. Rocks jabbed into my sides from all around, and it was very uncomfortable, but I was safe, and tired. I had just noticed it was fairly dark, and a thin fog was coming over the water. Thoughts zoomed in and out of my head, and one question continued to nag me. What did Custos mean by 鈥榮uch times鈥? And what did it have to do with me? Questions like these drove me into a sleep that showed no promise of true rest, but it was sleep non-the-less. Dreams and visions flooded my head. I was standing on my cliff, as I stood watching over the beach. Creatures with long nails and hunched backs, with teeth sharper than swords invaded the peaceful scenery. They were headed towards me. Custos jumped out, and kicked one. It let out a loud roar, and another scratched Custos across his chest. Custos hit another with his fist, and it fell to the soft sand, but got up again. A larger one bit one of Custos鈥?legs, and he fell, helpless. He kicked and fought, and I could hear Custos let out a shriek of pain. It was like an animal being killed, and it was. It was ear-piercing, and I covered my ears. The largest one jumped at him, and ripped his throat out.

鈥淐ustos!鈥?I screamed, but he was dead. One turned and looked at me, blood dripping from his chin. He climbed up the cliff, then, mouth open wide, he jumped at my throat. Then I woke up, scared. I pulled myself out of my little cave and made my way down my cliff. Sharp rocks dug into my feet, and they bled, leaving a trail behind me. I had left my shoes, but there was no time to waste. It began to rain, making the rocks slippery. I slipped, and a rock gouged into my leg, and I fell forward and hit my head on a rock. I couldn鈥檛 stand up straight, but I had to keep going. There was fog, and rain, and I saw double. I walked dizzily, and everything was blurry, and I was confused.

鈥淐ustos! Custos!鈥?I felt my feet hit the sand, and the sand went into my wounds. But I didn鈥檛 care. Blood was gushing down my face, and the rain couldn鈥檛 wash it away fast enough. I started to run, and I ran into something. I fell down in the sand, and laid there. I gave up. The sand around me was stained red with my blood. I couldn鈥檛 feel my leg anymore. A strong hand grabbed me, and I didn鈥檛 care who it was, but I hoped it was Custos.

鈥淐ustos?鈥?I asked. I heard his voice, but I couldn鈥檛 understand what he was saying. He pulled me up onto his back, and I began to slip off. He caught me, and laid me sideways on my belly.

鈥淩un. They鈥檙e coming!鈥?I told him. I couldn鈥檛 hear his answer, but his tone was confused.

鈥淩un. We鈥檙e not safe. They鈥檙e going to kill us. They know we鈥檙e here.鈥?I instantly felt him go into a gallop. I didn鈥檛 know if I should have been frightened or not. But I felt the world fading out as it had done before when I had seen Sydney in the woods. Sydney! Oh my gosh! Where鈥檚 Sydney? Is she ok? Is she here too?

鈥淪ydney! Custos where鈥檚 Syd鈥here鈥檚 S鈥?Where鈥檚鈥?鈥?The world was swallowed up into a black hole, and I heard the thunder, and I heard growling in the distance. We had escaped, and I hoped I could say that much for Sydney.

* * * * * *

I opened my eyes, and the first thing I felt was pain. Pain in my head, my feet, and my leg. Custos was staring down at me. I saw his face more clearly than last night. I looked around. There was a little pool that was hot and steamy, at the surface. I wanted to dive in and soak it all up, but my body won鈥檛 cooperate. I鈥檓 laying in soft grass, and the thin blades cling to me. They tickle everything that moves. There are vines twisting their way up tree trunks, and purple blossoms are spread out among them. I look to my right, at the little pool, and my whole body aches for it. I look at my leg, but I have to look away instantly. There is dry blood caked on my leg, and the sore is deep. I turn my head away, and I see Custos, still staring over me. I realize he is talking to me.

鈥淵ou hit your head really hard last night, and you saved both of us.鈥?He said.

鈥淗ow did you do it?鈥?

鈥淚 dreamed it. It was like a vision, like I saw the future or something.鈥?I said, questioning it myself.

鈥淎lga was right. You are very powerful. That is a very hard skill to master. I myself have not.鈥?I began to think about last night. Then the same question popped in my head.

鈥淐ustos, where鈥檚 Sydney?鈥?I asked.

鈥淲ho?鈥?He looked confused.

鈥淪ydney?鈥?He still looked at me like I was crazy.

鈥淐ustos, did anyone else enter Bethsaidia with me?鈥?I asked. He looked away.

鈥淣o.鈥?He said.

鈥淐ustos, you aren鈥檛 the best liar. Now yes or no?鈥?I didn鈥檛 really know if he was lying, but there was something about his answer.

鈥淲hat?鈥?he asked, stalling. I was getting mad now and I could feel the angry words coming up my throat, but I swallowed them. I didn鈥檛 want to ruin my friendship with the only person I knew.

鈥淐ustos? I need to know. When I came into the world, was I the only one?鈥?I said, restraining myself. He sat there.

鈥淲as there anyone else?鈥?I paused. 鈥淐ustos. Tell me!鈥?br> 鈥淵es! Yes! Alright!鈥?I didn鈥檛 know whether to be happy she was here or not. On one hand, I wasn鈥檛 alone, and I knew she was here with me. On the other hand, she鈥檚 not exactly with me. Not sitting next to me anyway.

鈥淚s she alright?鈥?He sat there, silent. Anger rushed over me, and this time I didn鈥檛 hold back.

鈥淭ell me! That鈥檚 my little sister out there! If you don鈥檛 help me, I鈥檒l go out myself! I thought you were here to help me! If this is what you meant by 鈥渉elp鈥?I could do that myself! Go away!鈥?I didn鈥檛 really mean any of that stuff. I was just so mad he wouldn鈥檛 tell me where Sydney was. I didn鈥檛 want him to leave. He hung his head, thinking.

鈥淐ustos, please tell me.鈥?He wouldn鈥檛 speak for a moment.

鈥淪he鈥檚 in the forbidden land.鈥?He said finally.

鈥淗ow do we get there? Is she ok?鈥?I asked frantically. Any place called the forbidden land was not exactly where I wanted my sister.

鈥淭his is why I didn鈥檛 want to tell you. We can鈥檛 go there. It鈥檚 forbidden! Hence the name! Forbidden land. It鈥檚 self-explanatory.鈥?

鈥淪how me!鈥?br> 鈥淣o!鈥?br> 鈥淪how me!鈥?br> 鈥淣o!鈥?br> I reached out and touched him, hoping to see another vision. I had done it once; I could do it again, right? I did. My vision led me across Bethsaidia. To the end of the world, literally. The land was flat, and at the edge there was a waterfall of fire. Just at the tip was castle. My vision pulled me inside. There was Sydney. Her eyes black, and her fangs were sharp. Two of the creatures I had seen on the beach were by her. They bowed before Sydney, and I could tell they were afraid of her.

鈥淔ind her!鈥?She hissed. After they left, she looked right at me.

鈥淚鈥檓 coming.鈥?She said, and laughed. She sent a blast of magic, sending me out of the vision, and tumbling backwards into the sand. I let out a scream of pain, and pulled my leg out from under me.

鈥淒on鈥檛 do that! Every time you see her, she can see you! She can find you, and she will!鈥?

鈥淲hat鈥檚 wrong with her!? Why would she want to kill me?鈥?

鈥淩emember when I told you the evil ones wanted to kill the humans?鈥?I nodded. 鈥淵our sister is possessed by Veldin. She was, and is their leader. That was the battle that was fought when my parents鈥︹€?he trailed off. I nodded so he didn鈥檛 have to continue. 鈥淭here was a human. No one remembers his name. But he defeated her. She did not die, however. Her spirit was alive, but she needed a body. A prey. The hero鈥檚 brother is one of the six who went to find her spirit, but it was trapped in the human world, and they could not get to it. It has never been disturbed, until now. There is a prophesy that history will repeat itself, but this time, the evil Queen, Veldin, and her prey will both die by the sword of the hero, and her spirit can never be summoned again.鈥?br> 鈥淏ut, I鈥檝e been in the woods a billion times鈥?at least I鈥檝e looked in there. How come it just appeared now?鈥?br> 鈥淚t appeared to Sydney because she鈥檚 the prey. You are the hero.鈥?He said.

鈥淏ut鈥hat means. I have to kill the prey?鈥?br> 鈥淵es.鈥?br> 鈥淎nd Sydney鈥檚 the prey?鈥?br> 鈥淵es.鈥?br> 鈥淣o! I鈥檓 not going to do it! I can鈥檛 kill her! No one on Earth or Bethsaidia could ever make me do it.鈥?

鈥淎w! But you will. Bethsaidia has a way of making you forget. And slowly, you will grasp the concept, and go along with it.鈥?br>Do you like my story?

It is time to get your story published! I can't believe you are

a teenager writing that good. You have a strong concept of

words and use them nicely. Yes there are a few grammer

mistakes, but they can be cleaned up in no time.

Bravo!

Do you like my story?

it was very gooooooooood a 8 because of the sad ending. Report It

Do you like my story?

9, veeeery good, but there were a FEW grammar mistakes, and spelling mistakes, but that can be fixed easily

:]

Do you like my story?

Hey!

For a 12 year old, it's excellent! i would give it an 8, because some of your sentences are too short, and sometimes you use words that you dont quite understand in your story. Make your story more fluid, like a river. You dont have to have super short sentences. Also, you dont have to dwell on every little detail such as brushing hair or eating cookies for breakfast, you know? If you want to add detail, add emotional detail, like how you felt when your Grandmother stood up for Sydney, etc. But also dont make her perfect, and like you said, an angel. She can have a few flaws too, she shoud not be perfect. Lol. And maybe dont tell us how perfect she is all the time and that your not as incredible. Give yourself some credit for something. Don't make yourself sound boring! The main character should be interesting.

Maybe ask your mom or dad to edit it?

Good Luck!

Do you like my story?

You are twelve? wOw! Gr8 imagery!! I'm jealous... by the time your in highschool you'll be writing novels.

Do you like my story?

pretty good except the grammar but you can sure write a story

Do you like my story?

that was an extremely detailed story you are very very very very good i couldnt stop reading it if you dont get this published you would be a fool your use of words is great 10/10 brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you like my story?

7. Amazing story. Im 13 and your writing is similar to mine. Im always told the same thing though; lengthen your sentences. I think it would apply to you as well. Also, another thing that aplies to us both; to much detail.

Good story though.

Do you like my story?

WOW!!! I love it!! But try not to start every sentence with I.

GOOD, GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you like my story?

wow. holy crap that's the best story I've EVER read from someone your age.. when i was 12, i had troubles writing a paragraph for school haha. i'm 14 now, and i'm somewhat better, but nothing still compared to this! keep writing, this could pay VERY well if you practice, and get someone reliable to edit it!

keep up the good work!

-stephen.

Do you like my story?

8.5/10

That is brilliant writing for your age. The only reasons I didn't give you 10/10, are very minor. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love to show you my reasons, and share a few pointers so that you can improve still further:

1. In the beginning, it seems as if you're trying to fit all of this information into a space where it won't fit. It seems a bit jumbled. If, for example, you described your character's looks by having her glance in a mirror, or see a reflection in a window, it would fit in better. 'Show, Don't Tell' is the most famous advice for writers.

2. Once your character falls into Bethsaidia, there seems to bit a bit too much danger in it, if you will. It's almost like you're trying to make it exciting by adding too much risk. If you try and smooth it out, so that it fits together, that would be great

3. Description. Again, 'Show, don't Tell'. For example, when you're describing Custos, you mention horse ears, and a horse's lower body. If you maybe mentioned your character seeing hooves, and then as she stands, she follows the horse part, until she gets to the 'human' part, then you could describe his face and such by actions. (i.e 'he looked at her with dark brown eyes...')

4. Try and cut down on 'sound words'. Instead of saying 'Crack!' when the ice shatters, actually describe the ice shattering.

5. I would also suggest adding a few flaws to your characters. Nobody's perfect, and characters with flaws add to the story, more than retract from it. In the novel I'm writing, I'm actually having trouble decreasing my characters flaws, instead of adding to their strengths.

I am thoroughly, thoroughly impressed with your writing, I must say. I hope you'll use these guidelines to help you along.

Wishing you all the best of lick in your own writing!

~Tiger

Do you like my story?

9.6